Habits of a Healthy Marriage

Great marriages are built on faithfulness, consistency, and hard work. One of the greatest challenges in marriage is remaining faithful day after day when the feelings aren't always there or when your spouse frustrates you. Every marriage eventually reaches that fork in the road. At that point, there are only two directions to go. There is no luck or secret formula for choosing the right path. You simply must refuse to bow to your feelings because healthy marriages are built through intentional habits, not romantic emotions.

With that determined mindset, we can set our sights on practical steps every marriage can take to cultivate healthy habits and enjoy a lasting relationship.

1. Prioritize Your Walk with Christ

The healthiest marriages are made up of two people who are pursuing Christ. Your spouse can’t be your Savior or your highest priority. Jesus is. When He is first, everything else begins to find its proper place.

We had a mentor many years ago who often said, "Expectations breed frustration." He was describing how we frequently become disappointed because we expect our spouse to provide what only Christ can provide. Many marriage struggles begin when we ask our spouse to occupy a place that belongs to God alone.

Yes, your spouse will meet many of your needs, fulfill many of your desires, and enrich your life in countless ways. In wonderful ways, your spouse complements you and brings joy and companionship. But only Christ can ultimately satisfy your soul. The healthier your relationship with Him becomes, the healthier your love for your husband or wife will be, because your love is flowing from the true source of lasting love.

2. Communicate Frequently and Honestly

Many marriages drift because couples stop communicating deeply and consistently. We become ships passing in the night, especially after children enter the picture. Healthy marriages fight for oneness through intentional communication and honesty.

Christyne and I have found communication to be one of the greatest indicators of the health of our marriage. We don't hide things from one another. We lovingly confront sin when necessary. We don't make significant decisions without bringing each other into the conversation while honoring our respective biblical roles. And we refuse to settle for becoming roommates instead of husband and wife. Drifting into a dry marriage is something we both view as an enemy of the covenant God has given us.

One habit we've intentionally cultivated is simply talking together. I'll tell her about my day, ask about hers, draw out her heart, take initiative with plans, and encourage her to share whatever is exciting or concerning her. We often take walks, not only for physical health but also because uninterrupted conversation is increasingly rare. With six kids, someone is always interrupting, but walks or trips to the park help keep the conversations flowing. We also dream together about the future and make plans we can pray over together.

Our communication is about far more than logistics or managing a household. It is about nurturing the unity God has given us and remaining aligned in our goals, dreams, parenting, spiritual growth, and every other area of life.

3. Practice Daily Service and Sacrifice

If you think a healthy marriage is fifty-fifty, you're already viewing marriage through a worldly lens. God's design for marriage has nothing to do with dividing sacrifice evenly or making sure both spouses are carrying identical loads. A healthy marriage is fueled by a heart of service and sacrifice regardless of how much we do, how often we do it, or whether anyone notices.

Of course, it's a blessing when your spouse says, "Thank you," or gladly jumps in to help. Gratitude is healthy. But when keeping score becomes more important than serving, you've lost the plot.

Husbands should never keep score. They should simply love sacrificially as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25). Wives should not demand that their husbands reciprocate every act of service. Instead, they should gladly submit to their husbands and love them as God has called them to do (Ephesians 5:22–24; Titus 2:3–5). Biblical marriage flourishes when both spouses seek to out-serve one another.

Think about Romans 12:9–11. Paul tells believers, “Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor; not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord.” That phrase “give preference…” can be translated, "Outdo one another in showing honor." Imagine bringing that mindset into your marriage. Imagine saying, "I'm going to outdo my spouse in showing honor." What if we stopped competing to get our own way and instead competed only to honor, serve, and bless one another?

4. Protect Time Together

Many things slowly create cracks in a marriage. Demanding work schedules, children, exhaustion, financial pressures, sin, extended family, friendships, sports, recreation, school, and countless other responsibilities. Many of those things are wonderful gifts from God, but even good gifts can become barriers to togetherness if we're not careful.

Fight for togetherness.

Schedule the date nights. Wake up early to enjoy coffee together. Put the kids to bed on time so you can spend an hour talking. Prioritize family dinners. Model togetherness for your children. Serve in ministry together. Laugh together. Read together. Exercise together. The point is simple. Be together.

Researchers who have studied marriage for decades consistently identify friendship as one of the strongest predictors of long-term marital health. I remember hearing a minister once say, "You don't have to be best friends with your spouse." He viewed marriage almost entirely through a utilitarian lens, as though a wife existed primarily to cook meals, raise children, and maintain the home. I remember thinking how tragic that perspective was.

Money can purchase many utilitarian services. You can hire a nanny or babysitter. You can pay someone to clean your house. You can buy a meal. But you cannot buy a faithful spouse who is also your closest friend. That kind of relationship is a priceless gift from God. Our spouses are not tools to use—they are treasures to cherish.

God's Word makes it clear that healthy marriages are cultivated. You don't stumble into one by luck. Under God's grace, you will generally reap what you consistently sow.