Kids Can Smell Your Hypocrisy

You can fool a crowd, you can impress people at church, and you can shine brightly in a corporate environment, but nobody can sniff out hypocrisy like your kids.

Kids know whether the Christianity you display on Sunday is the Christianity you live on Monday. They hear how you pray at church or lead a Bible study, and how you talk to your spouse in the car. They watch you sing about surrender to Christ, and then watch what happens when you don’t get your way.

Kids can smell hypocrisy.

J.C. Ryle once wrote, “Children are very quick observers; very quick in seeing through some kinds of hypocrisy.” That was written more than a century ago, but every parent knows it is true.

I recall a mentor once exhorting me to remember that one of the greatest dangers in Christian parenting is demanding from our children a Christianity they do not consistently see in us. It remains some of the best parenting advice I have ever received to this day. 

Your Life Is Part of the Lesson

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 is a section of Scripture that gives parents one of the clearest pictures of discipleship in the home. Israel is commanded to love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and might, and then to diligently teach God’s words to their children, and the order of that command matters! Before God directs, “teach them diligently to your children,” He says, “these words that I command you today shall be on your heart” (Deuteronomy 6:6).

What a clear indication (and a convicting one!) that God’s truth must be in you before it is consistently taught through you. That reality doesn’t mean that parents must be perfect. If perfection were the requirement, none of us could disciple our children. However, it means our profession and our practice should be moving in the same direction. Kids should see faith and practice flowing in the same direction. They don’t need perfect parents, just genuine ones who are modeling what it means to follow Jesus — including when it comes to repentance and humility. 

I’ll never forget one of the most sobering experiences in my pastoral ministry as it related to this subject. A man was being considered as an elder, though I had some red flags I couldn’t put my finger on because I was too much of a rookie to discern beyond the surface at that time. By God’s grace, we went slow, and despite the shiny armor he wore on the outside, others brought me concerns about what was on the inside — including his own children. One day one of them who I very much respected approached me and said, “If you make my dad an elder, I’ll leave this church. You have no idea what you’re dealing with, but I do.” I took that seriously and though I didn’t want to hinder the man from being involved in the church (there is grace for all!), eldership was not ever going to be on the table so long as family members came forward about what life was really like behind the scenes both when they were children and as grown adults. This is the kind of nightmare so many kids are experiencing. Whether it be physically abusive parents, two-faced living, drunkenness, verbal abuse, a vicious mother, or some other kind of “secret sin” that must be hidden from the outside world, the home becomes a two-faced coin flip between putting on our best performance for the Bible study group, family BBQ, the congregation, the corporate setting, or the conference, only to close the curtains when the act is over and unload backstage. 

No home is perfect, and every parent has their bad days, but there is a massive difference between struggling with sin and settling into hypocrisy. A struggling parent sins, confesses, repents, and keeps pursuing Christ. A hypocritical parent sins, hides, excuses, and then lectures everyone else about holiness.

Kids notice the difference.

The Pharisee Problem Can Live at Home

Jesus reserved some of His strongest words for the Pharisees because their public religion did not match their private hearts. He rebuked them saying, “They preach, but do not practice” (Matthew 23:3).

What a sobering truth for every Christian parent — especially preachers like me! 

We can become miniature Pharisees in our homes. We tell our kids to control their temper while we explode at them. We demand that they tell the truth while they hear us exaggerate stories to make ourselves look better. We tell them to forgive their siblings while we carry bitterness against relatives for years. We tell them church matters but skip it whenever something more exciting comes along. We tell them money isn’t everything while they hear us obsess about money. We tell them to respect their mother while Dad belittles her. We tell them to respect their father while Mom berates and tears him down. All of this and yet we wonder why our lectures aren’t working.

Here's the truth…Your children will have a hard time believing that Jesus has transformed your heart if Christianity never seems to transform your behavior.

Repentance May Be Your Most Powerful Parenting Tool

The solution isn’t pretending harder, it’s got to be repentance! To be blunt, quit faking it. 

Some parents buy the lie that admitting sin to their children undermines their authority, but when done biblically, it does the opposite.

Imagine for a moment a father losing his temper with his son and using curse words or crass words. Later he walks into the bedroom and says, “Son, the way I spoke to you was sinful. You may have disobeyed and disrespected me, but that does not excuse my anger. I sinned against God and against you. Will you forgive me?”

That moment may teach the gospel more powerfully than a dozen family devotionals because now the child sees that Dad actually believes what he teaches! 

Do you believe sin is real? If yes, then you must also believe that repentance is necessary. And if you believe that, then you must believe that grace is available and Christ’s work on the cross is sufficient for your hypocrisy to be forgiven! 

Perhaps it’s time to stop telling your children about how other sinners should repent and start showing your children what it looks like for you to repent. 

Give Your Kids Something Worth Imitating

Because he was really living it out, Paul could say, “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1). Parents should increasingly be able to say the same thing. Your children don’t need to see you have it all together, they need to see you turn to Jesus in the same way you tell them to. 

There are three questions that all of us should ask ourselves this week: 

• What am I requiring from my children that I am excusing in myself?

• What version of Christianity are my children actually seeing at home?

• Is there anything I need to confess to my children and ask their forgiveness for?

Your children may forget many of the lectures you give them, but they will remember the life they watched. Show them what it looks like to follow Christ for real!