Loving Our Kids Without Losing Each Other
Children are one of God’s greatest gifts. Scripture calls them a blessing, a heritage, and a reward from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). Few things bring more joy, laughter, purpose, or sanctification into a home than raising children. And yet, it is possible to love our kids deeply while slowly losing our marriage. Not because we are selfish. Not because we are careless. But because parenting is demanding, exhausting, and all-consuming if we let it be. The danger is that good gifts can quietly move into places they were never meant to occupy.
Most marriages do not drift apart by rebellion (though some buck against God’s design), but rather, they typically drift apart of lack of intentionality. Late nights turn into months of exhaustion. Conversations become highly logistical. Affection becomes sporadic or disappears. Intimacy becomes a chore that is either procrastinated or resented. And our primary energy is poured into children, schedules, and survival, while the marriage slowly moves from center stage to the background.
While this might be described as “normal,” or even “noble,” it’s most certainly not biblical. Children are a blessing from the Lord(Psalm 127:3) and we are called to sacrifice for them, but Scripture never tells parents to make children the center of the family. The Bible tells husbands and wives that they are one flesh (Genesis 2:24), and out of that covenant, to raise children in wisdom and instruction. The order matters for more than just reasons of purity and procreation. This is matter of establishing and preserving a healthy marriage.
Children Thrive Best in the Presence of a Strong Marriage
One of the most loving things that parents can give their children is not unlimited attention, but a stable, faithful marriage. Children do not need to be the emotional center of the home. They need to live in a home that has one. When the marriage is strong, children experience security. When the marriage is fractured, children often feel pressure they were never meant to carry. They may become emotional substitutes, conflict buffers, or the glue holding things together. That is a weight children cannot bear.
God designed marriage to be the covenantal foundation of the family, not a relationship that survives only after everyone else’s needs are met. More Christian marriages suffer because good gifts become idols. That can be applied to money, goals, careers, material possessions, and even intimacy (assuming the baseline needs/frequency are being met), but perhaps more than any other gift we’ve been given in marriage, children can go from divine blessing to divisive barrier.
And that’s not their fault, it’s ours.
Parenting Can Wear on Our Covenant
There is a quiet shift that happens in many homes. What once was intentional becomes assumed. What once was pursued becomes postponed. Couples stop dating and might even dare to justify it. They stop talking deeply and respectfully and resort to talking at each other, using opinions like spears. Couples stop praying together. Not because they do not care, but because they are tired.
Parenting seasons are loud, demanding, and relentless. A wife becomes overwhelmed or over-obsessed, and a man becomes disengaged or resentful. If a marriage is not actively protected, it will be slowly overshadowed and like a car engine overheating, a breakdown is imminent.
Scripture warns us about this kind of drift in a way you may not have ever thought of before. It’s not necessarily “parenting” language, but in covenant language, God rebukes Israel for faithlessness, but because they stopped guarding their covenant relationship (Malachi 2:14–15). If you apply that principle here, you can easily see how the refusal to guard the good gift God has given can lead to dangerous drift.
Marriages are not lost all at once. They are lost inch by inch. Like a ship veering off course just one degree at a time. Eventually, you will find yourself too far gone.
A Strong Marriage Teaches the Gospel to Your Children
All of this matters because God loves you, your marriage, and your gospel witness — especially because those things are used by Him to raise up godly children! Your children are learning far more from your marriage than from your words alone. They are watching how you speak to one another when you are tired. How you handle conflict. How you apologize. How you forgive. How you show affection. How you choose each other when life is full.
Paul tells us that marriage is meant to display something bigger than itself, pointing to Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:32). That means your marriage is a living sermon in your home. Children raised in homes where covenant love is visible learn something deeply reassuring. Love can endure. Commitment is not fragile. Forgiveness is possible. Faithfulness is worth it.
Overcoming False Dichotomies: Prioritizing Marriage is Not Neglecting Children
Some parents feel guilty investing in their marriage. They fear it is selfish or takes away from their kids. They might even argue that raising children is the primary goal of marriage, creating a false dichotomy between a thriving marriage and intentional parenting. Scripture does not support that fear, and it never puts the marriage on the back burner.
Loving your spouse well is one of the most generous acts you can offer your children. When parents guard time together, communicate openly, and stay emotionally connected, the whole household benefits. When the marriage is healthy, parenting becomes more unified, more patient, and more resilient.
Children grow up. Parenting seasons change. But marriage is meant to last a lifetime.
The goal is not perfection. It is faithfulness.
Below you’ll find a list of anchors and private discussion questions you can use to assess your own marriage in this area or use for small group discussions.
Consider These Practical Anchors for This Season
Guard time for your marriage and treat it as necessary, not optional.
Speak to each other as teammates, not competing managers.
Refuse to let children become emotional replacements for spousal intimacy.
Address drift early, before resentment hardens.
Remember that parenting is a season. Covenant is a calling.
Fight for date nights (it’s about the person not the place)
Communicate the priority of marriage to your children
Support one another in front of them (“private enemies/public allies”)
Forgive quickly and frequently
Get help when/if needed
Private Discussion Questions for Couples
Use these to foster honesty. Work hard to avoid defensiveness, and don’t rush!
Where has parenting strengthened our marriage, and where has it quietly strained it? Try to name both without blaming.
In this season, what tends to get our best energy, and what gets the leftovers? How does that reflect our priorities?
Have we unintentionally allowed our children to become the emotional center of our home? If so, what might need to shift?
What practices or habits helped us stay connected earlier in our marriage that we have let slip? Which one could we reintroduce realistically?
How do we currently handle conflict or fatigue as parents? Does it draw us together or push us apart? What is one small, concrete step we can take this month to intentionally invest in our marriage? Make it specific and attainable.
