What to Look for in a Spouse: 7 Biblical Non-Negotiables
Next to following Christ, there is no decision that will influence the direction of your life more than the person you marry. Marriage affects every aspect of your walk with the Lord, and it’s a covenant that lasts a lifetime.
But the world tells young adults that if they want to find “the one,” they just need to follow their heart.
Yet, Scripture says something radically different. Rather than following our heart, which cannot be trusted, the Bible calls us to “walk in wisdom” (Proverbs 4:7).
And wisdom doesn’t start by asking, “How do I find the person God has for me?” Wisdom first asks, “What kind of person is God calling me to become?”
In other words, marriage doesn’t begin by finding the right person for me, but by becoming the person God wants me to be.
So, if you want to be prepared for a godly marriage someday, start by pursuing godliness today.
From there, once you’re pursuing Christ, walking in community, and growing in maturity, you’ll be prepared to navigate the evaluation process.
So, what are the most important things to look for in a potential spouse?
Here are 7 biblical non-negotiables to guide you in that process.
1. Loves Christ More Than They Will Ever Love You
A person who doesn’t love Jesus above everything else will eventually love you less than they should.
Scripture says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers…” (2 Corinthians 6:14).
Contrary to popular thinking, there is no such thing as “missionary dating.” Even with the best intentions, a believer dating an unbeliever isn’t just unwise. It’s disobedient.
So look beyond the Instagram profile, their favorite restaurants, or how the conversations flows.
Look at their love for and obedience to Christ:
Do they hunger for Scripture?
Do they speak of Christ with joy?
Are they sorrowful when they sin?
If the posture of their heart is surrender to Christ, they will learn to love you sacrificially. But if they won’t surrender to Christ, then they’ll never love you the way God has called them to.
2. Pursue Holiness, Not Just Romance
Our growth in holiness isn’t about perfection. It’s about direction.
Jesus said, “Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness…” (Matthew 6:33).
The reality is that everyone is pursuing something.
Some pursue attention.
Some pursue emotional security.
Some pursue pleasure.
But a godly spouse is someone who is already pursuing Christ.
So ask yourself:
Is this person becoming more like Jesus?
Do they take sin seriously?
Is there a pattern of repentance or a pattern of excuses?
You don’t want to build your future on the potential of what you hope for. You want to build it with someone who is already being transformed by God’s grace.
3. Character > Chemistry
Chemistry is a wonderful thing. To be attracted to your future spouse is a gift, and God made it that way.
But strong feelings can sometimes make us overlook serious flaws, and physical attraction alone won’t sustain a marriage when life gets hard.
The Bible warns us, “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised” (Proverbs 31:30).
So ask yourself:
Would I want my future son to imitate this man’s character?
Would I want my future daughter to follow this woman’s example?
Does this relationship make me love Christ more or less?
Anyone can put on a good show, but not everyone can be trusted to build a home. Attraction might start a relationship, but character will stand the test of time.
4. Loves the Local Church
Those who are merely Christians online will not create a biblical marriage. And likewise, a person who treats the local church as optional will also treat obedience to Christ as optional.
As Christians, we are called to be a people who are “…not forsaking our own assembling together…” (Hebrews 10:25).
So, if someone constantly keeps distance from the local church in:
Worship
Accountability
Service
—then you have your answer.
A man who won’t serve his local church now won’t lead your family later. A woman who avoids accountability now will resist biblical counsel later.
Those who love Christ, love His Bride.
5. Submits to Authority Without Resentment
If a person refuses to be under the authority of a biblical local church, then they won’t be a husband or wife who lives under the authority of Christ.
The true condition of someone’s heart becomes visible when they encounter authority they disagree with.
Scripture calls believers to “Obey your leaders and submit to them…” (Hebrews 13:17).
So watch how they talk about and engage with their:
Employers
Pastors
Parents
If every authority figure becomes the enemy, then that’s not discernment; it’s pride.
A husband cannot lovingly lead his home if he has never learned to submit to Christ, and a wife cannot joyfully partner with her husband if she believes submission is oppression. A godly spouse will not just lead well. They will follow well.
6. Not Just Professing, But Possessing
Satan can quote Scripture. False teachers can be very convincing. And just about anyone can mimic cultural Christian catchphrases.
But Jesus said, “You will know them by their fruits.” (Matthew 7:16).
So, what does genuine fruit look like? It looks like:
Joy when circumstances change
Gentleness when frustrated
Patience when plans fall apart
Self-control when tempted
Humility when corrected
Repentance when convicted
Many people can talk about Jesus, but only those who know Him bear the fruit of His Spirit.
7. Welcomes Wise Counsel and Transparency, Not Secrecy
If you have to hide your relationship, the desire for secrecy should be like a warning siren.
The Bible instructs us: “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed”
(Proverbs 15:22).
You should be asking godly people in your life questions like:
“Do you see what I see?”
“Do you see any concerns?”
“Do you see blind spots?”
Immaturity isolates, but maturity invites help. A teachable person makes a trustworthy spouse.
Don’t Let Loneliness Lead to Disaster
As you seek the Lord and navigate this time in your life, don’t despise the season that God is using to prepare you. Singleness is not a pause in life; it’s preparation for life.
And remember: Your worth is not determined by being chosen by another human. It’s anchored in being created and chosen by the Lord.
So don’t settle because you’re tired of waiting. Don’t compromise because you fear being alone. The Lord’s delay is not due to His neglect, but because of His loving and wise purpose for your life.
When the right person comes along:
You won’t have to force it.
You won’t have to hide it.
And you won’t have to compromise to keep it.
So stop searching for “the one.”
And start becoming someone who reflects the One who loved you and gave Himself for you.
Trust Christ with your future, because the Lord writes the best love stories.