You’re Losing If You’re Not Winning at Home
Chuck Swindoll once wrote that his children might never remember his sermons, but he hoped they would remember the dad who threw their mother into the swimming pool—and survived to tell about it. I’ve been reading his autobiography and finding such inspiration in his integrity, passion, and drive for ministry, but also, his humble transparency and wisdom on the home life of a leader.
Men like Swindoll are not perfect, but behind their work ethic (and humor), was a serious conviction. His family needed to experience his love, attention, and joy firsthand.
Besides the gospel, I seldom talk about anything more than the home. It seems to be almost daily that I find myself in a conversation with someone in our church about what it means to “win at home.” We use that phrase a lot around our church, staff, and ministry circles because I believe it’s something often overlooked. And it’s not just ministry workers who need to think about this. Every CEO, entrepreneur, newlywed, teacher, pilot, police officer, and plumber needs to as well!
The hard truth is that you can impress a room full of strangers or onlookers while neglecting the people who matter the most. You can build a business, grow a ministry, sculpt your body, and develop a reputation that makes people wish they were you. Meanwhile, your spouse wishes you would be anything but the version of you that wins out in the world but loses at home.
I want you to get this down deep into your soul and I pray it plants deep in your mind…
You’re not winning if you’re not winning at home.
If your income is up, but your marriage is down…
If your influence is up, but your kids don’t respect you…
If your followers all love you, but your wife is not being loved…
If your body is chiseled, but your spiritual life is soft…
If your church or business is growing, but your home discipleship is fading…
If you’re functioning like a machine, but your family is dysfunctional…
Then you must forgive some who do not congratulate you on your success. It’s not that they don’t appreciate good work, high earnings, excellent performance, or peak human health, it’s just that they’ve come to grade performance differently than you.
And most sobering of all, God has not confused those things with faithfulness.
In the local church, one of the reasons that Paul requires an elder to manage his household well is because winning at home with your family is proof a man can lead God’s family. When laying out the qualifications for Timothy, Paul the Apostle writes, “If a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?” (1 Timothy 3:5).
Paul does not identify anything about size of platform, personality type, or leadership gifting (although we should not presume big platform, big personality, and strong leadership gifting is a bad thing). Beyond all the flair that a leader may have, Paul is most concerned about the home life of a man who leads in the household of God.
One of the clearest instructions I ever received from a mentor was being told, “Costi, your family is not an inconvenient obstacle or barrier to your calling, caring for them is part of your calling.” This advice still serves as an ever-present reminder that when “family life” slows down ministry progress, real progress is still being made!
And I know what you’re thinking, because I have thought it too:
“But I am trying to provide.”
“I can’t be everything for everyone.”
“Ministry is about sacrifice.”
“This is just part of the job.”
“These opportunities are privileges!”
All those things are true, but they should never be an excuse for not winning at home. Some of us reach for those statements because we do not want to face the obvious truth that we are consistently being selfish and are trying to justify our behavior. We gave our patience to customers and our irritation to our children. We gave our creativity to ministry and our leftovers to marriage. We protected appointments with important people while repeatedly breaking promises to our family. And then we called it a busy season.
How many seasons does it take before we admit this is the life we keep choosing?
If you have been winning everywhere else but not at home, repent. And repent without the speech about how much pressure you are under or excusing the behavior. Ask for forgiveness, and take steps to make room in your calendar while accepting that obedience in this area may cost you opportunities.
Remember that Jesus receives repentant sinners. His grace forgives, and His power changes people. You can begin by getting honest about reality. You can put the phone down, keep the promise, seek counsel, and learn to love faithfully.
Go home and love the people God entrusted to you. Winning at home is where winning matters most.
